Pitiful customer service.  No NFL Network.  Byzantine pricing structure.

To that list, you can now add a new privacy policy that is as confusing to decipher as TWC’s archaic on-screen user interface.

If you have Time Warner Cable, let me first say, I feel your pain — we have no other option in our area for cable or hi-speed internet.

No FIOS.  No U-Verse.  And when signed up for the TWC Triple play — phone, cable, hi-speed internet — we didn’t realize that TWC was the one with the ball.

If you’re like us, you received the revised TWC Subscriber Privacy Notice in the mail today.

A little rule of thumb — the tinier the type, the more troublesome the underlying the info.

While I don’t want to spoil the ending, drop an email to TWC.Privacy@TWCable.com and tell them you don’t want to hear from TWC or any of their partners.

Unless it’s to say they’re finally going to carry The Daily Show and The Colbert Report in HD.

Let me start by saying I love The New York Times — still the best paper and news organization on the planet.

Now their marketing department on the other hand…

For as long as I can remember, The Times has been a part of my life.

My Mother and Father used to buy 2 copies on Sunday so both could have a fresh copy of the Crossword — which each would then do in ink.

Later — when I switched Coasts — The Times provided a welcome link to my past as I adjusted to my new home.

Some 25 years later, I still get The Times on Sunday — plus a steady of stream of unsolicited marketing kagata.

Dating back to July 01, 2007, I have contacted The Times Subscription Department — 800-698-4637 — on 5 separate occasions asking to be removed from all their marketing lists.

But it was not until today — after receiving an offer in the mail to upgrade my subscription — that a Supervisor hit me with the bad news.

While I had been removed from the phone/email list, I was still on the regular mailing list.

Anyone know an 12-letter word for “a group of smarmy marketers”?

Not bugs, this time.

Just an insane privacy policy at JP Morgan Chase sure to drive even the most resilient cockroach straight for the nearest can of Raid.

JPMC can’t provide you with your current privacy settings — not won’t, but can’t.

The rep at the JPMC Privacy Call Center — 888-868-8618 — informed me that JPMC is made up of hundreds of inter-related companies so there would be no way for them to know.

Too big to mail?

Here’s the best part — the rep offered to register my preferences again.

Because it worked so well the last 4 times.

According to Shawn at the 2010 Census Hotline — 866-872-6868 — doing your civic duty will not result in an avalanche of direct mail dooty.

So go ahead:  report you and yours to the government.  What could happen?

Nope.  Something even better.

As previously chronicled here, a good-hearted attempt to lessen my global carbon footprint resulted in a deluge of Taylor Gifts catalogs.

And despite my best efforts, I had resigned myself to a life fending off pitches for Micro Cool Mini Fridges and Remote Controlled Farting Bears.

But with Christmas coming, I thought “maybe,  just maybe” there was someone who would answer my plea.

So I wrote a letter (email actually).

Asking for a something that wouldn’t cost a penny.

No elf would be hurt in it’s making.

I hit SEND and promptly forgot all about it.

Well kids, yesterday, my wish came true.

So remember little ones, to get what you really want this year, forget Santa.

Contact the Attorney General of Pennsylvania.

And to all a good night.

Not for personal glory.  Not for vast riches.  And hopefully, not for long.

But after 6 joyous months of As Seen On TV™ silence, Taylor Gifts once again favored me with 72 full-color pages of worthless crap.

O cruel wind — why does thou blow anew?

Since I first began Off The List, my life has changed drastically in 2 ways.

1.  We have stopped 95% of the junk mail we previously received.

2.  Our son just turned 1 years old — the most amazing part of that adventure being our ability to stay off all the baby mailing lists.

My wife may argue otherwise.

So now when a catalog or flier arrives, it’s an anomaly.  A mole that needs to be whacked.

Taylor Gifts is the mole that will not be whacked.

As I have chronicled , Taylor Gifts sells the dream of a perfect present or got-to-have gadget — they got me with their Solar Step Lights.

But what arrives — besides a seemingly endless supply of catalogs — is a nightmare of cheap junk.

Taylor Gifts sells via catalog and the web because

If you examined the merchandise first — YOU’D NEVER BUY IT.

Much of what is wrong with America — quick fix solutions, poor quality, trophy fish that sing — can be found within the pages of a Taylor Gifts, Get Organized, or Kitchen and Much More.

But it’s not just the quality of the merchandise — their customer service makes insurance companies seem down right compassionate.

Call Taylor Gifts — 800-829-1133 — press 1 to speak to a sales person.

Ask the representative

May I place an order without being put on the catalog mailing list?

Their words say yes, but their catalogs say no.

You will not be transferred to a supervisor.  You cannot speak to anyone in sales, marketing or public relations.

So today I filed a complaint with the Pennsylvania Department of Consumer Affairs.

And you can bet that in 5 weeks, when someone from that office might get back to me, the poop is going to hit the 10″ cordless fan.

With or without the optional Cool Breeze Fan Pack.

My mother sent us a gift from LL Bean and — you guessed it — her kind gesture put us back on their mailing list.

Thanks, Mom.

Emotional spyware is one of the more insidious crimes committed by the catalog industry.

This parasitic form of marketing ensures that long after you’ve forgotten the original gift, you’ll be snacking on their shit sandwich.  Forever.

So what can you do about it?

Short of cutting all ties to your friends, family, and co-workers, there is no way out.

Only by creating awareness among those you love — and those you despise, read catalog companies — can we hope to stop this annoying, unacceptable practice.

Meanwhile, hold your nose and pass the mustard.

To paraphrase Al Pacino in Godfather III:  Just when I thought I was out, Taylor Gifts sends me another @#!% catalog.

If you’re not familiar with Taylor Gifts — count yourself lucky — they sell all the “As Seen On TV” crap.

The Shamwow, Singing Toilet Paper, and my personal favorite, the Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit .

Back in July, I was in the market for something a little more pedestrian — some solar step lights .

As I’ve mentioned before, the only fool proof way not to get put on a mailing list is to call the #800 and order from a human.

Well, I’m the fool and here’s the proof.

After specifically informing the Taylor Gifts representative that I would not order unless they could assure me  I would not be placed on their mailing list — and after receiving said assurance — I ordered the lights.

On July 29 — before I even received the lights — I received a Taylor Gifts catalog.

On August 15 — still not in receipt of the lights — I received a Get Organized catalog.

While I have since received the lights — not bad — I have also received at total of 5 Taylor Gifts catalogs — not good.

This morning, I spoke with the catalog removal representative at Taylor Gifts  — 800-829.0034, ext. 4 — who stated:

• If you order via telephone or internet, you will be put on a mailing list, no ifs, ands, or buts
• You will receive 6-8 months of catalogs
• There is no guarantee  I will ever be removed from their list

So by ordering these energy efficient solar lights, I directly caused unknown trees to be felled, diesel to be burned, and pollutants to be released.

I suck.

But at least I’m not alone.

Taylor Gifts — for catalog overkill, name serialization, and general frustration — you are On My List.

Do something nice for yourself this year — stop all those stupid holiday catalogs with CatalogChoice.org.

While I’ve been recommending CatalogChoice for a while, it was based more on hope than empirical data.

Well, it’s been more than a year and I’m happy to report, the proof is indeed in the figgy pudding.

In October 2007, for example, I received 30 different unsolicited catalogs –almost one per day for you math majors.

So far this October — none, zip, doodley dick.

While my phone call/youTube/blog/opt-out letter blitz deserves the lion’s share of the credit, CatalogChoice has played an integral role as well.

Initially, I had some reservations about using CatalogChoice as a filter because they lack any serious enforcement teeth.

It’s not like they have an army of ninja warriors waiting to pounce on offending catalog merchants — although that would be really awesome.

Nevertheless, none of the catalogs I registered with CC has fouled my mailbox  — who says you can’t get anything good for free these days?

While the economic downturn may lead to a subdued holiday season, at least you can visit CatalogChoice and get something great this year.

An empty mailbox.

Loose the trumpets! Sound the confetti! Off The List is 1 year’s old.

How’s it feel?

As empty as my mailbox.

As you can see from my lack of recent posts, my campaign has been so successful that I suffer from a lack of new material to bitch about.

On the upside, our household junk mail is down 95%.

On the downside, I’m now a man without a mission — like Hillary.

Maybe it’s just the summer lull. Or the crappy economy.

Perhaps when the holidays roll around, I’ll once again be deluged by catalogs.

Wouldn’t that be nice?